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I woke up this morning and had almost two whole minutes where I was okay.�Then reality hit me again. Iapos;m so tired of crying.

The word why wonapos;t get out of my head. Not that it matters, I tell myself. I listened to every excuse in existence for over ten years. I know them all by heart. Even if some of them are true, none of it changes anything. I need to stop obsessing about it, I tell myself. Everyone lies. No one makes sense. Decent people simply do not exist. I did the right thing, I tell myself. I got out immediately this time. I kept some of myself this time. If I can hold on to that, I can survive somehow, enough to stick around for the kids. Iapos;m finally being smart, I tell myself. Iapos;m skipping the hellish repetitious years that kill my soul and screw up my children. Iapos;m skipping the next time, and the next time, and the next time, and finding out about the times before... I repeat the facts to myself like a mantra, trying get a grip. The person you gave your entire being to was just a lie. The person you ache for never actually existed. Stay away. Donapos;t loose the past two years of mental and emotional progress with destructive, masochistic selfish thoughts. She made her choice to ruin everything, and you will never know why. It happens every time. Just learn from it and never put yourself in that place again. Ever. The only real happiness is in your childapos;s smile.

Why. I had this image of us, old and grey, holding hands and watching our grandkids play. Happy. Smiling. Thatapos;s all I wanted. Perfect love. Safety. Am I really so completely lacking as a person? The one person who could possibly fill that role thought so...

NO. I need to stop. Iapos;m sure Iapos;m a lousy person, but I really did try so hard. If it wasnapos;t enough, it was all I could do.

Her dadapos;s getting her a lawyer. Thatapos;s wonderful. Makes it easier to destroy everything AND come out ahead doing it.

I alternate between being angry, confused, hurt, and just breaking down. Why. Everything she said rips a new hole in me. Less than three days ago: "Do you promise to love me forever, no matter what?" Yeah. Yeah, I do. I sure as hell wish I didnapos;t.

WHY.

Maybe she didnapos;t actually want the same things as me. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe I wasnapos;t anything more than a crutch. She told me once when we first got together that she was only using me to feel better. I didnapos;t care. I had no self-worth, self-esteem, or self-preservation. I clung to her anyway. I guess maybe that never changed when she said it did. I was just convenient, but not desirable.

WHY?

Every thought is like being stabbed. Over and over. Her hair. Her smile. Her touch. I miss it. Stab. Itapos;s gone forever. STAB. It was all a lie. Just fucking kill me, please...

Then I try to stop bawling and breathe. You get to see your Alex today. You get to hold someone who actually does love you for now, truly and unconditionally. Focus on that. But it doesnapos;t help. I think of the six months we went through hell fighting for him. I think of us standing there, holding each other, watching him sleep. WHY? How is this the better choice? Why wouldnapos;t she just leave me? Why couldnapos;t she be honest? My entire life seems to be pain. I canapos;t believe I was actually convinced that was over. I canapos;t believe anything...

I donapos;t know why Iapos;m typing this. I guess I donapos;t know what else to do. Everything I do, whatever I look at is somehow tied to her. That beautiful, heartbreaking person I never actually knew. The smile that could fool me every time. I feel so used, so broken. Why. Why why why why why.

My mind starts coming up with baseless conjecture to further crush me. Somehow I start feeling like the evil monster, the unfair antagonist. I anticipate everyone going against me. Every new family member who supported me, watched me slowly become someone worth knowing... Gone. I wonder if they talk about me like they did Brett. Oh, that jerk was never good enough for you anyway... Youapos;ll find better easily

Breathe. Keep it together. Think logically. If you sell your monitor, desktop, and guitar maybe you can keep the house another month, Our house. I wonder if it was three years ago today I was trying to type journal entries through blurry eyes. Taking twenty minutes to properly get out two lines. I guess that would be ironic, except I always end up back at this place. I start wondering how things will get divided up. I picture each room, and start crying again... The pictures I had just set up in the living room. Alex. Our engagement. For the love of fucking god, WHYYYY



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